Endless Voice of Life
by Threya Midnight
Summary: "Why are you always singing lively and happy songs?" I looked down at the ground, biting my lips. Tears were forming in my eyelids but I did my best not to let them show, I mentally shook my head and instead prepared myself to create my fakest Ittoki Otoya idol-grin as I answered. "Because she told me not to sing a sad song."


She's the type of person whom you might turn a blind eye to if you passed by her on the streets. She doesn't give a strong impression; most likely she'll fade silently in the back of your mind. She's silent and shy, but when music is the topic she changes into another person entirely. She can be quite kind but also greedy, reckless and yet careful at the same time. She cries at the most trivial things but can be _your _strongest support when you're the one in trouble. She likes to eat sweets as if her life depends on it, hates black coffee and avoids it like a plague. She wanted to become a composer because she wanted to compose for her idol. She can play multiple instruments, and she's skillful in all of them. He knows so much about her and yet doesn't know her that much. But does it matter as long as they loved one another?

_He and his beloved Haruka._

It was freezing as hell, because you know according to Dante's _Inferno_, hell is cold because it is covered in ice. Well, at least in the ninth circle of it. And I wouldn't have known about it without her telling me (because I just can't sit down in one corner and read such a classic. Or any book for that matter. If I ever did, Tokiya would have announced that the apocalypse has arrived). White puffs were forming out of my mouth as I exhaled, I must have looked like a dragon huffing out smoke as I did so. I wrapped the hand-knitted grey scarf tighter around my neck, as if it would've lessened the cold around me. After fixing my scarf, I shove my glove-clad hand inside my winter coat, trying to share body warmth to myself, as "forever alone" as it may sound. My faux leather boots made soft crunching sound as it hit the dry pavement of the winter streets of Tokyo, reminding me of where I was and where I'm planning to go. Occasionally, people recognized me and asked for either a picture or an autograph. I might be stretching it, I could say that I could pass for a normal citizen of Tokyo if I say so myself.

At last, I arrived at Shibuya by foot. Shining Saotome, our company president as well as my father, insisted that I have a chaperone walk with me. But thank God, Tsukimiya Ringo, my former teacher when I studied in the academy as an A-class student, told my father that I'm a 25-year old grown man and I was more than capable of handling myself walk around the crowd. Sure there was a time when a fan ambushed me when I merely took a break from a photo shoot just to buy coffee from a vending machine, and there was also a time when a teenage girl threatened to kill herself in front of me if I didn't give her a pair of my underwear… But anyway, he said that I was old enough to defend myself from such harassment. And it was Christmas and I was planning to buy gifts for my special someone, at least give me the privacy to do whatever I want. Even though at this time, after 10 years of being a student of Tsukimiya-sensei, I still find it odd that he can perfectly pass as a woman. And even if he wasn't a 'she', that cross-dresser was something akin to a mother figure to me.

As soon as I arrived at the wide premises of the shopping capital of Japan, I immediately notice the Christmas decorations around me. Christmas lights were twinkling, giving us artificial stars that you can't see in Tokyo because of the severe light pollution. Figures of Santa Claus—Or Father Christmas or Saint Nicholas, whatever name you prefer—and his 8 reindeers, or nine if you included Rudolph, hanging whatever place he may be positioned that often led Haruka to be her object of pity during Christmas season. On one of the most famous landmarks of Shibuya, the Shibuya Crossing and its gigantic TV screen just above the local Starbucks branch, I can see my face lip-synching to a Christmas-inspired song that should've been released a few years ago but I never had the chance to publish the album because of time conflict. Or maybe just because I didn't want it to be in the first place.

Oh how nice would it be, the sight of me crossing busy streets of Shibuya, by myself and my song playing at the background. It was as if some imaginary force is telling me to reshoot the music video!

I took out a small piece of paper from my pocket, a typical piece of paper that looked as if I ripped it out in some random notebook. And in fact, I did. Scribbled childishly at the parchment were things that Haruka used to love buying whenever we used to go shopping in our free time: a gallon of ice cream that contains to two distinct flavors, specifically cookies and cream as well as rocky road, a bouquet of hellebore with different color variations, as well as sakura-scented candles that she loved so dearly. I was also planning to buy something else for her, something _new _for Christmas_._ Since, I often buy these things for her whenever I visit, she probably expected that I'll bring this to her today. I want to surprise her, to give her the best Christmas gift ever. In my mind, a hand magically added something on the list: _the best Christmas gift for Haruka_. I smiled at the list like an idiot, anyone who saw me would've have thought I was a single man who finally lost his mind because he was spending Christmas alone. But I couldn't careless, in a matter of few hours I'll be meeting up with her again. Oh how long has it been since I last saw her! Just the idea of visiting her made me so happy!

Like a high school girl experiencing her first love, I skipped happily as I looked for the things I wrote down in the list.

Before I knew it, I was almost done with my shopping. Since I ordered and paid the bouquet of hellebore days ago, I only had to pick it up without wasting any time. The _Obaa-chan _who manages the flower shop smiled at me as she gave the nicely prepared bouquet in my arms.

"Is it for Haru-chan again?" She asked with a knowing glint in her eyes. I smiled back at her and nodded, accepting the flowers in excitement. She chuckled before giving me an affectionate pat on the head. "Ah, and tell her Ritsu-obaa-chan said hi."

"I will." I replied before leaving the flower shop.

The next stop was the candle shop that sold different kinds of candles. Much to my complete delight, they were on Christmas sale today. I managed to buy two packs of scented candles that she liked, and I also added a bonus. Believe it or not, they were selling _Piyo-chan_ candles! It was the cutest thing I've ever seen in a while. I actually doubted that she would like to light it up, since seeing a melted head of the yellow chick mascot that both she and Natsuki adored might be traumatizing. But I bought it anyway, since I wanted to surprise her. Of course, this wasn't _the _surprise that I'm talking about. I'm not _that _cheap as to buy candles as my main Christmas gift to my most beloved. This is merely an appetizer to the main meal.

After that was the ice cream, I had this specifically for the last because I was afraid that it'll melt. I really dislike the texture of the Oreos in the cookies and cream if it melted, it goes soggy and is disgusting to eat. But knowing her and how much she literally worships sweets, she'll take it without a second thought.

I wandered inside the mall for a while; lost in thought as I tried to think of the best gift I can give to Haruka when out-of-nowhere my phone began to ring.

'_Someone's calling you, Otoya-kun!_' Haruka's recorded voice repeatedly played, I couldn't help but smile as I snatched my Iphone inside my pocket. Without even looking at the caller, I pressed the 'ANSWER' button.

"Hello, Ittoki Otoya speaking."

'_Oh, Ittoki-san!' _The slightly choppy voice of my manager came to my ears, judging from the tone of his voice, there might be some trouble going on. '_I'm sorry to bother you on your day off…'_

I shook my head, as if he can see me going the gesture. "No, it's fine." I answered calmly. "So… I guess you need me?"

He released a heavy sigh, sincere about the fact that he's making him do this even though it was supposed to be the idol's rest day. '_Once again, I apologize. But to answer your question, I do. You see…_'

Without even meaning to, I dozed off. My chest felt heavy, all the spirit that I once had completely left me body. I don't have to listen to this conversation to know where this is going. Someone, most likely someone not so close to me that's why they're asking favors, probably couldn't attend a job-call. Everyone who is close to me knows that I _can't _be available during Christmas because they all know where I'm going, that I'm visiting Haruka. They all know how important this day is for me, so everyone, especially my manager and Shining, immediately declines a job offer no matter how important it is. But maybe this time, the person they're asking to abruptly pull out of the job that they can no longer cancel the event. That they took the lowest measure as to _ask me to take it _even if they know what's going on.

"Sure, I'll take it." I forced out a cheerful tone. So many years has passed that lately, I don't know which of my smiles are fake and which aren't. Sometimes, I wonder if I still know how to smile sincerely.

My manager sounds obviously shocked. '_Are you sure_?' He asked. 'It's _alright if you declined though_—'

"It must be sudden that you're willing to take me as the substitute, so maybe it's _that _important." I said, cutting him off. "Besides," I paused for a few seconds, smiling sadly to myself. "You know that Haruka wouldn't like it if I chose her over my job."

On the other side of the line, I can guess that he frowned. '_Thank you, Ittoki-san. I'll immediately pass the word that you're accepting it_.'

"So what's the job?" I asked, resuming my window shopping. Much to my dismay, I still can't find anything that'll suit Haruka. Since she's such a down-to-earth woman, no materialistic thing should be given to hear as a special Christmas gift. I can afford those expensive diamond rings or whatever women liked to buy or receive as presents, but if I _did _buy her she would only frown at me and tell me to return it back to the store, and that I don't need to buy expensive things just to please her. And why do I know that, because I already did it before, but in a different occasion. It was for White Day. You could imagine the look of shock in her face when she received my gift for her instead of the cliché chocolates or flowers.

'_It's_ _a guest appearance in that famous radio station that's been going on for years. The one that females of all-ages are going on and on about_.'

I stopped walking.

"Excuse me?"

'_I said, that famous radio station that's—'_

"Do you mean _DJ Song's_ _Music_ _Heartstrings?" I asked, hopeful._

There was silence for a few seconds, at first I thought that the line got cut off. "I'm surprised you know it."

"Of course I do!" I shouted, couldn't contain my disbelief. Around me, the people were staring. I waved my hands at them impassively, and they resumed whatever they were doing. "Of course I do," I repeated but softer this time. "Haruka used to go on and on about this show! This was her favorite—" I stopped; an idea came to my mind. "That's it!"

'_What's it_?' He asked.

"This is my Christmas gift to her!" I said excitedly. "Oh, how happy could she be when she finds out that I was a guest in her favorite radio show!"

'… _Okay?_' He shrugged but still seemed happy for my enthusiasm. _'I guess that's… hitting two birds with one stone?'_

"You bet!" I shouted, pumping my fist in the air and all the things I bought almost fell from my hands but good thing I caught it in time. "Tell them I'll be there in a sec."

* * *

"A very very very good morning and Merry Christmas to all our dear listeners! It's time for _Music_ _Heartstrings,_and this is he, who has absolutely no singing capabilities _but_ has a name that suggests he can, your one and only, DJ Song!" Just by pressing a button, the automated 'clapping' sound played. As stupid as it may sound, I used to think that people were really clapping while they air an episode. "Since our supposed to be guest for today couldn't attend, we have a surprise guest for everyone! It's no other than… Ittoki Otoya! I'm sure a lot of you could be fangirling right now so let's get this show on the road!"

And so the clapping sound resumed, my newly released song played and served as my introduction song. After all the BGM faded away, I proceeded to speak.

"GOOD MORNING EVERYONE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I cheered at the top of my lungs, exhibiting the Mr. High-Energy persona they want to see from me even if I'm deadbeat tired.

"_Whoa_!" DJ Song, the host of this radio show, leaned on his chair as if my entrance blew him away. "Such an amazing entrance from one of Shining Agency's best idols!" I scratched the back of my head, smiling coyly. "Thank you for being in our show, Ittoki-san! It's Christmas today and I know that you're busy spending time with your loved ones and yet you're here… wasting precious moments with a single middle-aged fellow." He covered his eyes with his arm, crying animatedly. "I'm so sorry, Ittoki-san! You don't deserve such a horrible Christmas!"

I shook my head, sweat dropping. "No, it's fine. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to guest here. Even just once in my life." Which wasn't a lie.

He looked at me, teary-eyed. "Such a nice man. I hope that you'll get an even more successful career on the passing years."

I laughed, but I was flattered.

Now that the introductory comedy act was done, we were officially about to start the show. Since the questions that were prepared were not originally for me, some of them were really out of the place and not really meant for me to answer. But they still asked me, just for the shit and giggles.

"So… who do you get along with in HEAVENS?" DJ Song tried to contain his laughter but failed miserable.

"Ehh?" I scratched the side of my cheek, not sure of what I'm supposed to say. "I guess this question should change to 'who do you get along with your group' but sadly, I'm a solo artist so I really don't know what I should say. But if you want me to answer literally… I think I would say Kira-san."

The host nearly fell off from his chair. "What?!" He shouted, it probably screeched at the microphone because the person who was editing the sounds made a face."I didn't expect you to know them personally! And wait, you call him by first name basis?!"

"I know them of course, since they're a famous boy band. But the only person I've ever worked with or encountered up-close was Kira-san. Oh, he doesn't like to be called Sumeragi because he said it's rather hard long, so he told me to just call him 'Kira'."

"Are you sure?" He looked at me in complete disbelief. "Wait, did he _actually _say that? I didn't know that young idol was capable of saying a complete sentence!"

"He's just shy." I laughed.

Thankfully, most of the question that they picked from the audience can be answered by any random idol so most of them were a lot easier to answer.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Red." This goes without saying.

"Who's your favorite mascot character?"

"Piyo-chan, of course!"

"What are you wearing right now?"

We looked at one another, silence enveloping the room. "I don't think I'd like to answer that question because of the assumption of what that question is for."

And the questions go on and on. At last, the show was finally about to end. I sneaked a peek at my silver designer watch that Haruka bought for me on my birthday (it was unfair how she's buying expensive things for me but I can't buy one for her) and saw that I still have a lot of time. The train ride to the country side was just 15 minutes away, and I still have an hour and a half before noon strikes. Now that all the questions have been answered (or at least the ones chosen by the staff), it was time for DJ Song to personally interview me for a matter of about 10 minutes.

"You may not know it, Ittoki-san." He said, leaning on the board of mixers. "You may not know it but I'm a big fan of yours."

"Oh, how kind of you." I winked at him and we both roared laughing. "I'm also a fan of yours; I've listened to your show even when you were just starting."

"You're lying!" DJ Song pointed an accusatory finger at my face, but he was smiling. "There's no way that a healthy young male like you would listen to my show. Especially since I was just starting because that means 10 years ago and you'd be 14 or 15 that time!"

"But it's the truth!" I insisted. "A friend of mine suggested that I listen to your morning show just before I go to school, and I did. And I still do believe that up until this day, you're one of the best radio host of our country."

"Oh, stop it you!" He slapped me playfully at the back, acting like an embarrassed high school girl. "Let me guess, the person who suggested that you listen to my show was a girl?"

I nodded.

"Okay. I believe you." He crossed his arms, accepting defeat.

And we talked animatedly about other unimportant things but most listeners would find amusing. Before I knew, 10 minutes was about to end and I couldn't help but release a sigh of relief.

"Before we end this episode, I just want to ask you one last thing." He said and I made a gesture for him to continue. "I've always noticed that all your songs are either upbeat or dance-worthy. But this time, your Christmas album was different. It might be because it's a _Christmas _album so you toned it down for the sake of solemnity of this event or something else, I don't know. But anyway, one of your songs in your latest album struck me to the point I can't help but listen to it again and again. The intro of the song was just a piano solo, which I found surprising since most of your songs were filled with electric guitars and all that rock. But because it was just a piano solo, I managed to listen to the song carefully. The lyrics were really beautiful, it struck my heart in a way I never thought a song can possibly do. But just after the chorus, all the instruments that I've waited for came crashing in. For a moment, I thought 'it ruined the song'. But when the bridge of the song played, it returned back to the piano solo. This line shook my emotions so much, 'I don't want it to be a sad song'. And all the instruments came again. And I came to a realization that it might be the answer to all my questions on why you almost never sang a mellow song, the answer was in this song."

I tapped my fingers on the table, amazed that he was able to analyze the song that much. But I guess you can't expect less from a radio host that has been playing music over the air waves for such a long time, he must have listened to each song he heard with much gusto that he might as well knew the story of it just by listening to the instruments.

"But of course, I just shouldn't do any wild guessing and it will be better if you answer it yourself. So this is my question," He cleared his throat. "Why are you always singing lively and happy songs?"

I looked down at the ground, biting my lips. It was weird that after ten years, someone finally noticed it. Tears were forming in my eyelids but I did my best not to let them show, I mentally shook my head and instead prepared myself to create my fakest Ittoki Otoya idol-grin as I answered.

"Because she told me not to sing a sad song."

DJ Song looked surprised with my answer, he opened his mouth to say something but a very loud alarm blared through our headphones that we literally jumped out of our chairs. I know that ringing sound, since I've heard it before when I was religiously listening to this show every night just so the next day I have something to talk about with Haruka. It's the _DJ-Song-You-Are-Over-timing-get-your-priorities-straight-the-show-needs-to-end_ warning that usually surprises the crap out of anyone who's listening to the show, especially those people who had their radios at the highest volume. Both of them laughed, immediately vanquishing the serious tension the recording room had and the show officially ended.

I went to the resting area where I left the gifts I bought for Haruka, much to my dismay but it didn't surprise me on the slightest bit, the ice cream was already melted. I heaved heavily, taking the things that I took the effort to buy and was about to head to the closest convenient store when a voice called out behind me. I turned around and it was no other than DJ Song, holding a gallon of ice cream in his hand.

"Here, take it." He told me, throwing it towards me. "I saw your things a while ago and I'm aware that the one you bought was most-likely melted. So as an extra thank you for coming all the way here even if clearly you had other plans, take this as a token of my gratitude." Thankfully, I'm good at the game called catch and I did get a hold of it without dropping all the _other _things I was holding. I checked the flavor of the dairy product, much to my delight it was the exact replica of what I bought: cookies and cream and rocky road. Judging from the coldness of the container, it was newly bought. That at least saves me from all the hassle.

"Thanks." I smiled at him, I tried to give my hand to him just to be polite but it seemed virtually impossible so I gave up. "Thank you for allowing me to guest in your show. This was such a nice experience for me."

He smiled back but it didn't seem to reach his eyes. "Hey before you leave, I have one last question?"

"What?" I laughed, "You still have _more?_"

He looked amused with my humor but continued anyway.

"The person who suggested you to listen to my show, is she also the one who told you to…?"

I nodded my head, smiling softly as I possibly could. His eyes dilated, understanding my actions even if no words were said. These are one of the great things with being a guy, you can communicate with people of the same gender without saying anything. To us males, the saying 'actions speak louder than words' mean a lot than what girls thought.

Seeing that DJ Song has nothing else to say to me, I took that as my cue to leave. And so I did. As fast as I could, I ran to the nearest taxi stop and told the driver to drop me at the train station. As soon as I arrived at my destination, I merely shove a 10,000 bill at his face without even bothering to look at the meter. I hopped out of the taxi hoping that my train ride still hasn't left yet.

As if there was such thing as a miracle, God, it still hasn't. It was as if it was waiting for me to arrive. With a deep sigh of relief, I went inside the train before the door closed on me. Much to my shock, or should I say not, I was the only person aboard. It's understandable really, since most people would be at their homes, enjoying some peace and quiet or celebrating Christmas with a meal together with the whole family. I shook my head, getting rid of the happy scenario in my brain that only made _me _depressed. I stared at the abundant number of seats before me, asking myself where I should seat. But in the end, I chose _not _to and stand instead because I realized that I would be leaving in a matter of few minutes.

Before I know it, it was already my stop. If you're wondering where it is, it's in a countryside here in Japan. The place where Haruka grew up as a child. I dashed out of the train and exited out of the station as soon as possible. Good for me and my tired legs that has been running and walking around since early this morning, a taxi was already idly waiting there for a passenger. I went inside, telling him the place where I'm going. From the mirror, I can see that he made a face as if wondering why I'm going to such area on a beautiful Christmas like this but he started the car anyway. But I couldn't care less about what he thinks, or what _other _people thinks for that matter. I stopped caring about such trivial things years ago. When you become an idol, comments come in and out of your mind. May it be negative or not.

The taxi halted and once again, I just gave him a 10000 bill without care for my change. I know how much the exact cost it since I've practically memorized it since I've been visiting this place for 9 straight years on the exact same day. Yes, the cost changes slightly depending on the cost of gasoline in our country, but that doesn't matter. What's important is that I'm finally here. And I can finally see Haruka after so long.

I don't remember getting out of the taxi, much less on my way before I arrived to where I'm currently standing. I just know that I'm finally _here_.

In the middle of two great cherry blossom trees that seemed like it's 10 years away from its blooming time but actually it only needed a matter of 3 months to show its beauty, a small Japanese grave stood. However it was not like any other grave stone in our country that always comes in dark colors, believe it or not hers were the same color as Sakura petals. I never thought that it was possible for anyone to create a gravestone like that but Haruka instructed it to be so before she died, one of the few selfish things she asked for me and I wished she asked for more.

After all this running and walking, my knees gave up on me. I fell down the ground, the snow supporting my fall.

Ever since I officially became an idol, I've been forcing out a smile. I've shown people that I'm happy and cheerful. But it's been taking a toll of my body. I can't be happy forever. I can't keep up with my façade. But when I'm in front of her grave stone, that's when I try my best the most.

"I'm back, Haruka." I whispered softly, smiling even though tears were trickling down my cheek. "I've missed you."

Chapter 1:

One Drop

* * *

Author's Notes: So rather than finishing my other stories, I'm creating another one.

Believe me if I told you I rewrote this story for more than 10 times, and Cow-senpai only managed to read about 2 of these drafts. Some of you might say that Otoya is a little OOC in this fanfic (and maybe a lot). But this was intended because I wanted to add a serious undertone to his personality. 10 years have passed since he started working at the industry, I do believe that he became mature throughout the years as an idol. But do not fret, if you do not like this adult-Otoya I created, the next chapter features 10 years prior to this chapter. Meaning, young cheerful Otoyan! Yaaaay!

Reviews? Favorites? Alert?

PS

Hey, everyone, I've noticed that I've always have problems with uploading my docs. Most of the time the italicized words stick to the next word after I uploaded it, _like_this. I don't know what's the problem and it has been annoying me as heck because I'm pretty sure that was fine when Cow-senpai and I were doing last touches to the chapter but goes like that when it's already here in this site. so guys, please point them out if you ever spot them.


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